The Land of Ambivalence

I am feeling so emo today, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to write a damn blog and now that I have started one I have writer’s block. Every idea I have is followed by a dismissal that it just isn’t interesting enough or won’t take more than a few sentences. Maybe I should tweet my brilliant thoughs instead. Maybe they’re not that brilliant. Maybe tweeting is only for overly dramatic celebrities.

How can a person feel like two different people? Does that make me two-faced, or hypocritical? How can a person feel so on top of it and at the same time completely lost? I am filled with duality, for every feeling I have I am simultaneously feeling the opposite of it. I feel incredibly confident and then I feel the deepest insecurity. I friggin love my life and then I feel like it’s going nowhere. I am overflowing with abundance but then I feel like I am lacking. I as in me. I feel lacking. I feel like I’ve “moved on” from the relationships that failed and then somehow I am paralyzed with indecision and I can’t or don’t know how to react to things.

Is moving on from failed relationships really this hard or am I just making it harder on myself? I don’t actually “feel” a hardship, instead it has felt breezy and happy and in fact I haven’t felt so wonderful in years. I thought I knew what I wanted but when presented with an option, I shilly-shally. I read just yesterday, in a book I can’t remember the title of, that ambivalence comes from too much ambition. That really resonated with me as a truth. I had never thought of it that way yet indeed, I always want the best option and I want it all. Unfortunately I don’t have a handy little mini-psychic on my shoulder telling me which decision is best, so I struggle to make one. And there I am, stuck between the wanting of something and the action to make it happen, in the land of ambivalence. My tombstone shall read: Scuppered by my own ambitions. Great.

I feel like that girl in the restroom primping in the mirror. Satisfied she’s adjusted everything she can see, she turns to walk out unaware that her skirt is tucked in her underwear with toilet paper hanging from her butt. That moment when you discover how unprepared you were to walk out of the restroom is akin to what I’ve been feeling a lot of lately. Simply unprepared for the real world. Or should I be more specific and say attention from the opposite sex? I think that’s really what it is.

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