I am so angry and frustrated. I feel like I want to start all conversations with “potentials” of the opposite sex like this: “F*ck off because I know you’re already lying to me about something before I even finish introducing myself.”
That boy who blew my phone up with “I want to see you” + “Please let me take you on a date” + “I really think you’re worth the effort” + “I think you’re beautiful, maybe you don’t believe it but I do” found himself an eHarmony girlfriend about 3.5 days later! He’s 32, but I said boy because he behaved childishly. There’s no problem with him meeting someone, there’s a problem with him saying that he wants to pick up the broken pieces of my heart when I tell him truthfully that I have unfinished business with my ex. And he asked me why I didn’t want a relationship, so I told him. I wasn’t sitting there just pouring my heart out to a stranger. I was being honest because he asked me a serious question. The problem is he wasn’t serious, he was just doing or saying what felt good to him in that moment. I don’t think that I’m the one with the problem because I am aggravated that his implied intent was about 10 levels beyond his actual ability to follow through. And why couldn’t he just pick up the phone and say “Hey, I met someone. Date’s off.” Instead he ignored my two attempts at contact, each a day apart. Rude!
You know what offends me the most? That I even cared to begin with. I’m madder at myself than I am at him because he isn’t worth the expenditure of energy it takes to have an emotion about anyway. Any guy who is so googly-eyed over you without even knowing who you are cannot be taken seriously. I’m glad I resisted his overtures, and I’m thankful I questioned his authenticity. But when you find out that someone likes you, a teeny tiny little part of you starts to like them back even if you never did before. And that’s the part of me that feels a little injured right now. The rest of me feels indignant at how repetitive this behavior is in the dating world.
Is it really my fault if my instinct is to distrust the next man who tells me he wants me? Because the last three didn’t pan out and I didn’t seek them out. In fact, I didn’t pursue them at all. I’ve been sitting in life’s relationship classroom for 7 years, it is high time I pass the damn class and move on. In the past when a man told me he loved me, I believed him without evidence, or rather by making up my own evidence. When he told me he cared about me I took his word for it and not his proof of it. I want to consider that the lesson here is don’t believe what he tells you until his actions prove it but I’m struggling with this fact slapping me in the face: all these men are running around claiming that their actions will prove it so am I a “bitter woman” because I don’t believe them? Something Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” The last three guys showed me who they were and I am believing them, the first time. I am not signing up for repeat classes. Lesson learned. I would appreciate it much more if a guy told me he wasn’t claiming to be anything, but how about I just gave him the chance to show me who he was and I could decide for myself?
I’m paying attention to the facts, to the proof, to the evidence. I don’t want to play games, but I want to have fun. I don’t want to lead anyone on but I want to establish some sort of intent. I am tired of men telling me all the stereotypical bullshit because they think I’m a stereotypical woman that wants to hear it. If you don’t think I’m beautiful, don’t tell me I am. If you don’t think I pee glitter and fart sparkles don’t pretend that I do. If you don’t think the sun shines out of my ass then don’t tell me it does!
I am an adult. I enjoy the freedom of making my own decisions. When a man tells me that he wants to spend time with me when in reality he only wants to bang me – he is stealing from me. He is stealing my right to make decisions about what I want to do. So you might say “Well if he told you what he really wanted you wouldn’t give it to him.” In my case this is true. If a man told me all he really wants to do is sleep with me I would say no thanks, not interested. I would also say thank you for your honesty, because that enabled me to be honest and make an informed decision about what I want. (Which is not to invest time and effort into casual sex, because there is absolutely nothing casual about sex.) If you lie to me or lead me on then I make decisions based on false information. Guess what happens then? My decisions backfire and bite me in the ass; they create situations that hurt me. I should not have to be angry at myself for wanting to trust people. Yet sadly enough, I am. I might be guarded and hesitant, not out of bitterness, but out of necessity. I need that buffer to give myself extra time to determine if the information you’re feeding me is false!
In my experience men want a classy lady to behave like a hooker [with them], and yet somehow inherently remain classy…? Imagine the confused look on my face right now. I don’t understand why I am the one punished for desiring mature, honest, communication befitting people in their 30s. I despair that grown men don’t seem to have the integrity to simply tell a woman what they want. They deceive, withhold, manipulate, and e-maintain (thanks to The Current Conscience blog for that phrase). It’s not just my story, every single one of my girlfriends has the same story. In fact, I know a few men who have this story too. It’s a cycle, one person’s behavior in this fashion engenders it in another.
You want a real woman? Be a real man. Tell the truth about your intent and allow her to make an informed decision about what she wants to do. Ladies, you want a real man? Be a real woman. If he does have the courage to be honest with you then cut the crap and own your shit. Own your emotions. Own your needs.
P.S. Please develop the emotional maturity to not sputter about all your lovey-dovey [shallow] feelings simply because it feels good to sputter about them 1 week into dating. Or 2 weeks. Or even 3 weeks. (This goes for men and women!) I have a tender heart. I am vulnerable. I want to be loved and I want to be appreciated. If you tell me I’m amazing I want to believe that you believe it. I don’t want affection that is only disguising a play for instant gratification. When I’m ready for a relationship (and I’m not) I will desire something that has roots and is more than skin deep. I know that takes time – foundations are built brick by brick, just like emotional walls are. So don’t emotionally or verbally put the cart before the horse because that teeny tiny part of me will want to believe you genuinely mean the things you say simply because you said them.
P.P.S. The next time you go on a date with someone and you want to say what feels good, ask yourself, are you building a foundation with that person, or an emotional wall?