Bitter Woman: Watch Out!

I was speaking to my little brother the other day in regards to my earlier blog post (Before I even say hello…). I was explaining my frustration with the dating scene and my confusion about how to navigate these muddy waters. In the course of the conversation I told him that I feel resentful and hesitant to trust anyone, and I asked if that made me bitter.  The very last thing I want is to fall into the category of “bitter woman: watch out.

What’s the difference between bitterness and distrust? If I don’t trust the men I meet, is that distrust equivalent to bitterness? My little brother tells me no, that kind of distrust is equivalent to wisdom. Yay little brother, good answer! It may seem like a stupid question out of context but I think any person who has been lied to, cheated on, or generally screwed over by a member of the opposite sex wonders about this. (Although I’m speaking from a woman’s point of view, I think this is also applicable from a man’s point of view.) How is any woman supposed to be open-minded about a man approaching her if the last 5 lied to her? Where is the real line between being bitter and being distrusting?

{I think out loud best, even having conversations with myself.  I know that makes me sound crazy (everybody does it at some point!) but it’s comparable to finding a book you want to read. Picture this: you have boxes of books in your living room and you know you want to read one but you’re not sure which. You kneel by the first box and pick up a book. No, not this one, smells musty. You pick up a second book. No, not this one, you read it just a few months ago. And so on and so forth until bingo, you find just what you were looking for and now you can settle into your couch with two fingers of whiskey and some classic Sherlock Holmes. Thinking out loud works like that for me…I verbalize each one of my thoughts, examine it from every angle, reorganize the sentence structure until it sounds just right, and then I can determine what I want to do with that thought. I can realize how it makes me feel, and how it will impact my actions and shape my beliefs. Sometimes the whiskey helps. But I’m typing, not talking, so please bear with me.}

In the process of “typing out loud,” so to speak, I looked up the definition of bitterness on google.  Ahhh *deep sigh*, I don’t walk around all day feeling a deep and bitter anger and ill-will. So I’m not bitter, right!? I was joking with my girlfriend about this and she says: “How do you walk around giving your whole life to someone for 7 years, and then when they leave you it’s like they never loved you? In fact they couldn’t wait to getbitter rid of you 5 years ago, they just hung around for whatever and now here you are looking at some stranger who tells you you’re beautiful and he wants to get to know you and I’m like, please. The last guy told me he loved me, I was beautiful, and he did know me and it was all still all lies, you think I’m going to believe you????”  She tells me, now that’s bitterness!  Maybe it is, but how do you avoid looking at the next person as a liar when the one you gave everything to thought what you offered him (or her) wasn’t worth anything? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and believe that you are worth the truth? 

Maybe that’s the difference between bitterness and distrust: looking at a person like they are a jerk vs. looking at them like they are a potential jerk, and then taking the time to find out, or not, based on the former or the latter.

I distrustalso looked up the definition of distrust. Another *deep sigh* because this is so against my nature. I prefer to trust everyone I meet straight off the bat. It’s hard for me to meet a new person and distrust them because I want to have faith in their better nature. It makes me feel sunny inside to believe in people. But lately I feel like I’m just being foolish.  Why is it that as you get older you lose your innocence; the naiveté that allows one to be so idealistic?

It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. (July 15, 1944) ~Anne Frank

That’s how I want to be: hopeful. Instead I feel like the minute I have the tiniest little thought that perhaps this guy is nice, and maybe he’ll think I’m nice too – –  it’s over. It will all fall to shit before it even began because that’s just the way dudes are. We are all told as little girls and teenagers that men only want ONE thing anyway. Perhaps agreeing to mutually like each other now is more akin to agreeing to mutually hate each other later. Instead of being like Anne Frank though, I’m afraid I’m more like Louis C.K..

I have a lot of beliefs…And I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them – I like that part. They’re my little believies. They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I f***in’ do that. ~Louis C.K.

I digress. What does any of this have to do with bitterness or distrusting? I don’t really know…I’m just thinking out loud. It’s all jumbled together. I get tired of analyzing myself sometimes. I get tired of thinking. I want everything to be easy. I want to just meet someone and say hi, and he says hi back, and then it just works. And then my life can be all put together and I can live out my little cookie-cutter dreams and be happy. (I think I’m tired of this subject already, why am I so loquacious?)

What are the actual steps I have to take to guard my heart? My dad always tells me to guard my peace. Don’t let someone’s foolish behavior steal my peace, don’t give anyone else that power over my emotions and well-being. I’m not the greatest at that but I think I’m doing better. How do you do that with love though? When is the right time to believe someone instead of regarding them with suspicion? How many times do they have to do what they say they will do, before you believe them? A few times? A year’s worth of times? There ought to be a guidebook for this. I.e. Person ABC has to follow through on their promises exactly 10 times before you are allowed to have faith in them.

Right now every time I meet someone my stupid little heart jumps ahead like some overeager puppy and says, yay! I want to believe in you! I want to believe that when you say nice things you mean them! I want to believe you’re a good person!

Meet Pinky & The Brain in my head. Hahaha, yeah that’s it. I don’t even remember the cartoon that well but my heart is Pinky – earnest and too dumb to know when it’s suffering from life-threatening injuries, and my mind is The Brain – patronizing and arrogantly trying, but failing, to rein Pinky in.  Was George Michael right? I’ll never find peace of mind till I listen to my heart?

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2 responses to “Bitter Woman: Watch Out!

  1. O there are so many things to reply to this one blog alone;
    Trust and be wise at the same time. Don’t throw your pearls before the swine. Wisdom comes with the years of experience and from the mistakes we have made. And you will make those throughout your life so don’t get bend out of shape over the mistakes. Usually we don’t learn from our successes, we learn from our mistakes!

    The thing that is wrong nowadays and maybe have been always within relationships is that we start with a wrong foundation.
    We get attracted and we have chemistry and then we kiss, and we have sex and then we start getting to know each other…. on and on…

    What we need to do is get to know each other, become friends, talk, share your dreams,( remember the book I gave you “THings I wish I’d known before we got married by Gary Chapman) We can also apply this things I wish I’d known before I had sex…. Today we seem to have sex on the first date, or the second or third and we have no clue what the man/woman is all about. Not realizing that we create a bond and connection that is deeply spiritual and will be there regardless if you stay together.

    So what is best to do, is get to know each other, be friends, even with the crazy attraction you may have toward one another. Court, which means let him show you he is a gentleman, and that he can wait.. That he is willing to take things slow.
    Friendship first, then you build a foundation of trust, to then have a place for intimacy. We do intimacy first then maybe a bit of trust and then friendship, or friendship and maybe way down the road trust.

    Do we fail as people, men, woman? Yes, all the time and that will not change, but we can not go into a relationship out of ” need” or with “expectations”. The minute we put an expectation on someone we set them up for failure. And fail they will. This is not easy to do, I am still working on it at 56, lol. But I have gotten so much better at it. Cause it is not just in love relationships, it is work, friendships, life. There is a certain aspect that we do expect from life, people, but when we start of with ” can I trust this guy, or can I build a life with him/her? ” almost immediately, there is not even a basis to think along those patterns.
    Just enjoy the getting to know each other and ask questions. We know many a time so little of the person we think we want to do life with. And there is where we go wrong.

    Things like, their culture, the differences, their family. Watch how your partner, potential partner acts around his family. How do they interact? For that is what will happen when you solidify your relationship down the road. We are products of what we have been taught and over the years we change and learn from the mistakes and life overall. But when we look at cultural backgrounds and find out how people think, what they think about life’s issue’s there you will find a lot of clue’s. There you will find, if you can trust the partner that you are interested in. Political beliefs, religious beliefs and don’t think that these will change or that you can change them. The only thing, person you can change is YOURSELF.

    And don’t look toward the man/woman to fulfill your needs, to make your world spin in wonder, to make your dreams come true. YOU are the one that does that, not your partner. It is setting your partner up for failure. Its not about does he think me nice. For if you believe in yourself and respect yourself it really doesn’t matter. The man you will be with will think you nice and love you for who you are. And sure that can change. Love changes over time and sometimes it blows up in your face, but don’t let that stop you from loving, ever!!

    We all hope for love to last that lifetime and that is our ultimate longing, desire, goal. But sometimes it doesn’t work that way and when you are younger, you think the world comes to an end and that you can never love again. Over time you will find that this experience of pain will pass and that love comes around the corner again. But don’t let your bodily desires lead you, but let your heart of hearts lead you. Your gut usually if not always knows from the very beginning if this person is right for you or not. We usually don’t want to see those red flags. Or like me, I have tried for years making that red square flag fit in that great green circle flag. IT DOESN”T WORK!!! Take it from me, a red flag is a red flag, so don’t waste your time. Move on. YOu know your own dealbreakers.

    Bitter you are not, cautious, yes, and that is ok. The fact that you are aware of it is already knowledge that you are NOT bitter.

    I can write blogs… hihi about more answers on this blog and maybe I need to, but then again… I rather read yours and feel thrilled that you can write so well. Don’t over-analyze either, that you may have gotten from me. It can be a death trap so learn to say and believe “it is what it is”. 🙂

    Guarding your heart is a much simpler step than you think. It means being wise, aware and awake. Get to know that man first as a friend, that can mean weeks of just doing fun things, see where you are compatible and how you can converse and share thoughts. That means NO SEX, yikes, really? Yes really!! Even no kissing for a while, I know sounds terribly old fashioned and I balked at that too for a long time, but I am seeing so much more wisdom in it now and it is like guarding for you get to know the real person and not a body that gives you thrills and goody crazy yummy feelings. And that passes over time and then you have still nothing left.

    Proceed slow, there is nothing wrong with slow, and when you get used to that you feel honored, respected by that new man but most of all by yourself. And when you respect yourself, you will draw men who respect you too.

  2. Pingback: The best thing a dad can d | The Water Pig·

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